Case #1: A man was happily married for 15 years until his wife died of cancer. While they were happy, they did not feel a need to analyze their relationship. They both agreed that sex was an important part of their lives but didn’t investigate any further. She died of bone cancer. It was excruciating. For the last two years, he could not give her a hug. They were both surprised to find that the absence of sex did not change anything in their relationship. How could something they both valued so much disappear without affecting them? What was their relationship truly based on?

It was only after her death, that he tried to understand what happened. They both managed to put their egos aside. That is important. You cannot imagine a happy couple where one is using the other as an ego gratification. The ego is what makes each one say “I,” and this “I” needs another “I.” Their ego may separate them from the rest of humanity, but they cannot completely separate themselves from their ego.

They were careful to respect each other’s privacy. He felt guilty about asking questions he did not need to know. He would never ask where she bought her makeup or why she was late coming home. Those were just details, and they should not let details pollute a relationship. He knew that something more important existed. He was not sure what that could be.

It’s not always the case. They knew another couple in a similar situation. Sex became impossible the day the husband learned that his wife had cancer. It was not his decision. It was a reaction beyond his control. It was a somber story. They divorced while she was dying. How can the same cancer bring some people together but drive others apart?